*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
You Might Also Like
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Kermit goes Blue.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
my first day as a raccoon
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
X-tra spooky blend
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: