If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.