The struggle is real.
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
This is the one
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
pep talk
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I need a chiropractor for my brain.