Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
me hitting on a model
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap