Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
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Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?