“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though