Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Happy Thanksgiving
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.