Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.