Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
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“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
i really liked this one
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen