Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Choose your fighter
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?