It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Barbie gone wild
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house