“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Vodka burrito was a success
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”