Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
taking June’s advice to heart
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.