“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My whole life was a lie.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.