I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
A wise man once said nothing.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur