me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
This rocks
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache