*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
tell em, edith-anne
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.