I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
The symmetry is uncanny.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.