[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
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13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.