Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
X-tra spooky blend
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in