u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
sleeping beauty