Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Does it…does it take 3 days
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science