[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck