You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.