When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
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Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’