My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
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*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m giving up ice.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
for all #parents out there
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it