Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
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[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.