Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.