Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
How to wake up a Beagle
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Still writing HBO Max on my checks