Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
My favorite type of men is ramen.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?