When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
The sacred texts.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
True statement👍😏😁
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.