ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
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If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy