Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
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There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.