I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
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me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
describing stardew valley
I forgot how to panic. Help
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*