the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
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911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?