There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
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The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.