I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
You Might Also Like
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
My typo game is string.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
time machine? you mean a clock?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices