Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Why is everyone getting married at me
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal