We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
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My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Incredible customer service.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people