CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
You Might Also Like
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.