uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!