You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
I can’t be the only one 😂
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
necessity is the mother of invention
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that