One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
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CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers