Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Facebook marketplace is a different world