Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
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Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am