[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Bill is short for Billiam
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup