Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?