her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You Might Also Like
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
screw you
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
🙂🐾
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze