Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.