Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
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Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Barbie gone wild
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.